Pain

I’ve had pain the past few months, and based on experience I know there won’t be a House-like moment where we discover the cause and I walk away happen. I’ve dealt with pain before.

I don’t “perform pain” well. When I am in pain I go to work, to school, talk to people, complete assignments, smile and laugh. A few days ago I disappointed my daughter by not taking her ice skating by staying in bed. When my mom told her I was sick, she said, “No she’s not.” I can hide my pain from anyone.

When I’m in pain, I’m sad. I’m sad that my body is malfunctioning, or perhaps functioning the way it was made. I’m sad that I can’t find the right combination of drugs/exercise/therapy/diet/prayer/holistic medicine to fix it. I’m also angry. Once I yelled at a doctor one day after months of visits and no cause found. A doctor at my college recorded his notes in front of me literally accusing me of lying I’m angry that once when I went to a pain doctor, he didn’t find anything wrong but offered to give me a steroid injection for $1000 up front at my next visit. I’m angry that every time I talk to a medical professional about my pain, they most often say it is normal.

I don’t know how many hours of productivity my pain has taken away from me. When I’m in bed, my favorite place to experience pain, my mind is active. I make up stories that would sell millions if I wrote them down. I add plans to my to do list and read websites that are not about pain. I engage my daughter and tell her I’m not feeling well today. I get up when I find the motivation and continue living.

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